All Things Pre TFA (2)

May 20, 2015

I am officially a college graduate and nothing has slowed down. I still have a zillion things on my to-do list for TFA and deadlines keep sneaking up on me.
I am, however, out of my Carlisle house which was such a suffocating environment I felt I was physically being crushed under the weight of the tension and stress. Even with this wild to do list I feel lighter knowing I have a happy home to go to at the end of the day.
That home is actually a temporary locale, Boyfriend Eddie’s Parent’s home. They so graciously opened their arms to this homeless broad for the next few weeks until I leave for New Jersey. I am very excited that boyfriend Eddie will be accompanying me on my drive to NJ in June and then moving there permanently in August. What a wonderful adventure we have ahead of us.

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I am happy. I am happy to be out of that toxic house on Carlisle and happy to be starting a brand new life a thousand miles away. However, Albuquerque is my home and I grow to love it more and more each day. I’ve even come to accept the very real truth that I would like to end up back here, someday, maybe.

I’m nervous about New Jersey. What will the people be like? The food? The traffic? Will my neighborhood be sketchy? Will I be unbearably lonely? Will I have a roommate or will I live alone? Will I get a job at the interview fair? What if I absolutely hate the east coast?
Well I hope I have a more positive outlook than to ever admit to the last one. Once I get there I am determined to find the beauty in that side of the country. Water, desert, mountains, coffee shops, flea markets… Whatever the east coast has to offer I want to soak it all in.
This summer is not going to be ‘Fun Summer 15’ as I had hoped might follow ‘Fun Summer 14’ but it will be one of new challenges and hopefully growth.

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I worry constantly if this is the right path for me. I worry that I am going to be a horrible teacher. That I am missing out on graduate school. I worry that I’m supposed to be working in a lab, tirelessly hunting for a cure to childhood cancer. I worry that I’m not working on things that make my soul happy. I’m worried when I’m in New Jersey I’ll forget to find things that make me happy and I’ll be busy and miserable.
“Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”
—Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

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But I suppose I’ll never grow if I do things that keep me comfortable.
I am deciding to be only excited. I can be nervous but not the kind of nervous that is also worry. I am no longer going to worry or stress. Only let the positivity of excitement seep through and let the rest fall away.
Jenna Claire you were born to do this. To do exactly what you are doing. You’ll never be mediocre and you’ll never be content until you’re doing something that has an impact on others and this is it. This is why you were drawn to TFA. You’re good at this. Teaching Chemistry. Take a deep breath. Do more listening and less talking. Be profound when you do speak and never lose your enthusiasm. Team Jenna. You’re made of love and grace.  Hold on to that.  Hold on to that with both hands.